I don’t. Although I say it all the time: “I hear you.”. But, am I really listening? I’ll admit it, I always considered myself to be a “good listener”. Had it in my Match.com profile years ago (I guess my wife fell for it). In reality, I was probably just good at hearing people – or what Mr. Covey describes as “selective listening”. Hearing certain words and phrases and interpreting them whichever which way I see things. Unfortunately, I probably still do. This is not going to be as easy as a Habit as it may sound. The 5th Habit: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”, really is an “ear opener”. Reading through the chapter made me feel pretty bad about all the times I thought I was being helpful by listening and giving “good advice”. It turns out I was seeing things through my “glasses” and prescribing them to the person because they had worked for me. Mr. Covey has a great metaphor with “glasses”. For how we see the world is unique to each and ever one of us. It wouldn’t make sense to hand over our glasses to someone and expect them to see everything the way we do – but many of us do this all the time… and I am very guilty of this.
The best part about this Habit is that it is NOT supposed to be technique.
If you make pretend, or start doing it just to lure people in and gain their trust, you have failed. This Habit really demands that you have already mastered all the other 4 Habits – all the “Private Victories”, plus, be ready to Think win/win (which I am still working on).
One of the most interesting terms I learned in this Chapter was “empathic listening” – something I believe my wife is incredibly good at. Also known as “listening with your heart”, it involves more than listening our ears. You also have to use your eyes and deep human feeling to interpret body language and understand what they are really trying to say. In the not-so-distant past, my approach to “listening” to my soon-to-be wife (when we were still engaged) was me probing and prodding and trying to figure out what was wrong. By mid conversation, I was giving her examples from my life experience and how I handled it. By the end of the conversation, I would wind up pushing her away because all I did was judge her based on my experiences. Instead of opening up, she would get frustrated and close up.
So – how do you get people to open up? In theory, we all want to already. However, we do not want to expose our tender underbellies if we are going to be smothered by judgment or ignored. Mr. Covey has a great analogy I never would’ve imagined – giving “psychological air” to the person trying to talk. In essence, it is making sure that the person speaking receives a basic need (like air) to keep them going. This is a basic need we all have and are sometimes unaware of: the need of feeling affirmed and appreciated. I’ve seen this in numerous other leadership books as a technique of “Making one feel important”. No doubt, this is one of the biggest motivators. Now, I understand why. Next, after you’ve given the speaker their “air”, there is no need for pressing upon your autobiography right away. Instead, what happens next is as simple as restating what was said – not entirely mimicking though. We are warned that if we do that, it is a big no-no. It’s more like rephrasing in a way that brings in the emotional component and the simple logic behind the issue.
In the chapter, there is a great example of a discussion between a son who is frustrated with school and his father. There are great iterations of the dialogue that show how each approach helps or hinders. I will over-simplify here with one very simple example.
Let’s say my best friend and I were in a conversation about work, and he suddenly says:
“I can no longer deal with my job, I think I want to quit”.
I could say:
“Hey, I’ve worked in really tough companies and held out. You have to grow thick-skin”.
But that’s the typical answer where it’s all about me, and how I would handle it. I’ve already judged him without knowing the situation. If anything, my friend's reply would have to be defensive along the lines of:
“You don’t know what I go through everyday…it really sucks”.
“Well, if it’s really that bad, go on Monster.com – I can help you build your profile and find a better company.”
“I don’t have time for those job-boards”
“It’s easy, I did my profile in no time".
“No, that’s alright… I’ll be fine, thanks”.
It goes downhill quickly, and shuts me out – as I try to be “helpful” but not really helping.
If I were to listen empathically, after my friend said:
“I can no longer deal with my job, I think I want to quit”.
I could say something like:
“You mean you are no longer content at your current job and wish to seek another elsewhere?” By introducing a feeling of “no longer content” and the logic content of seeking something “elsewhere”, I’ve given him that “air” and room to speak his mind. The reiteration may not be exactly what may be on my friend’s mind. However, there is no judgment and allows for my friend to keep unraveling the knot and continue:
“Well, I am not very happy, but I don’t want to move to another company.”
“So, you really like it there?”.
“It’s not the best, but it has a lot going for it… it’s just that sometimes I wind up working really late and have little time to enjoy the rest of the day”.
“There is that much work?”
“No, it’s that I get behind on my own work because I am constantly distracted with other people’s requests”
BAM – got to the root of the problem. It may not be job in itself, nor the company, but some other workers’ issues they want him to solve. At this point, we’re ready to discuss what it is that makes him “want to quit”. Furthermore, I could share some of my experiences, recommend books or discuss options for speaking with his boss for training, etc. on "how to say no” and/or time management. Now, not only am I in a better position to give advice, but to be understood as well.
Quite honestly, I hope I am ready for this one – that is, with other people. I think I understand, but I need to apply properly. I believe I’ve improved with my wife in recent months since I got married. Nope, it is not attributed to reading the book. I think that as we spent more and more time together, I realized she opened up more to me whenever I simply listened without judging. Just by being supportive of how she felt and all I did was try to make her see things objectively. I hope to start translating what I've learned to practice with others and become a better friend and coworker.
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