Habit 4: Deal or No Deal?... Only if we both Win.

I meant to post this one 1st - sorry!
I had been anticipating the 4th Habit for so long... well, here it is.
If there was a game show called “Win/Win or No Deal” No one would watch it. How much could ratings soar during a show where everyone wins? We have probably been pre-programmed in our DNA (this is just my opinion) to distinguish between winning and losing. It would make sense if it were part of our survival instinct to “come out on top”. This is most useful when hunting – for if you lose, you starve and die. Not to mention the occasional running away from a predator, where losing means getting killed. No doubt competition must have been fierce to be the “alpha male” of the tribe. Therefore, there is that “striving to compete” in us as well. Times have changed since we were cave-dwellers. Like they say, the more things change, the more things stay the same. Most of the time, we will all look for the win to our favor. We want to still look for competition, and seek to be “on top”. In our new jungle of steel and glass, it feels sometimes like only the backdrop has changed. There is plenty of competition to be “top dog”, agendas to create “job security” for themselves and ego-boosting displays that are very much win/lose. So, is there such a thing where there is healthy competition where everyone wins? That is win/win? Although I have not witnessed this often, Mr. Covey believes there is. This is at the heart of Habit 4: “Think Win/Win”.

Think Win/Lose
From my experience, this is the most typical.

Does anyone really listen? I mean… really listen?

I don’t. Although I say it all the time: “I hear you.”. But, am I really listening? I’ll admit it, I always considered myself to be a “good listener”. Had it in my Match.com profile years ago (I guess my wife fell for it). In reality, I was probably just good at hearing people – or what Mr. Covey describes as “selective listening”. Hearing certain words and phrases and interpreting them whichever which way I see things. Unfortunately, I probably still do. This is not going to be as easy as a Habit as it may sound. The 5th Habit: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”, really is an “ear opener”. Reading through the chapter made me feel pretty bad about all the times I thought I was being helpful by listening and giving “good advice”. It turns out I was seeing things through my “glasses” and prescribing them to the person because they had worked for me. Mr. Covey has a great metaphor with “glasses”. For how we see the world is unique to each and ever one of us. It wouldn’t make sense to hand over our glasses to someone and expect them to see everything the way we do – but many of us do this all the time… and I am very guilty of this.

The best part about this Habit is that it is NOT supposed to be technique.