Before Habit 4…

I am almost Half-way through the book ! In terms of Habits, more like 3/7’s of the way. Before Mr. Covey starts to cover Habit #4 there is a chapter on the “Paradigms of Interdependence”. This really is a great chapter that contains great examples and analogies that summarizes the big-picture. I felt like I had a clear understanding of the order of what I was reading, like I was building toward something. All I have achieved so far with the first 3 Habits, and the 4 that are to come. My favorite quote from this chapter is “you can’t have the fruits without the roots.” His point being, that you cannot have “Public Victories” without having “Private Victories” first. You must be well “rooted” as to who you are. The “Private Victories” are everything covered in Habits 1, 2 and 3: self-mastery and being truly independent.
 Only then can you go forth and have true meaningful relationships that are interdependent by choice. I also enjoy how Covey contrasts techniques/skills vs. “our inner core” in order to achieve successful social interactions. In my 13-year career, I have lost count as to how many people know technique. I’m guilty of it myself. We read “how to” books and get things done – but at what price? I’ve had to get things done with the “at any cost” mentality. It usually means the relationship suffers. If I had to define it in a word, it would be “trust”. Never the less, there is an emotional “cost” we don’t see sometimes, but is felt. This is where Covey brilliantly creates a metaphor called the “Emotional Bank Account”. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the examples in life in which “deposits” and “withdrawals” are made.

Deposits:
Understanding the individual (touching a person’s deep interest or need)
Attending to the little things (Listening)
Keeping commitments/promises
Clarifying Expectations
Being loyal to those who are not present
Apologizing Sincerely

Withdrawals:
Disregarding what may be important to the other person
Small discourtesies, disrespects or acts of unkindness (unnecessary comments)
Breaking commitments/promises
Talking poorly of others when they are not around
Not admitting wrong, or apologizing superficially

Another type of withdrawal is showing “conditional love”. If you do as you are told (as we expect), you will continue to be loved. Isn’t that the same as being guilt tripped? Unfortunately, I experienced it a few times in my life. As long as I kept doing what was expected of me, I was “in”. No doubt there is something that is drained from you every time, and you just don’t realize it. Over time, this becomes a good example of what Covey mentions as being “counter-dependent”. I really was living a reactive life to whatever was placed on me (expected of me). It really does form a “knot of the heart”. It builds up inside and eventually comes out or shows itself in your work, your behavior and interactions. This is probably the root of my passive-aggressive personality at the time – but I do not want to digress (maybe I’ll cover that in a future entry).

The next section, Habit 4, is called “Think Win/Win”. I took a peek, and there is no doubt that you must have the first 3 Habits as a solid foundation for being able to legitimately think Win/Win. If you listen to the song “Sweet Dreams” – it really portrays the Win/Lose or Lose/Win mentality most of us have been exposed to growing-up. At first, it is very, very difficult to believe that there is such a thing as “Win/Win”… it’s almost like BigFoot, You may have heard of it, but will probably never see it. No, I’m sorry – that’s a bad analogy. More like a shooting star. They’re out there, and if you invest the time and do the right efforts, you will see them more often.